I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
