Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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