ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
