I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
