R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
