Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
