If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
