why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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