Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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