dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
