i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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