I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
