Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
