how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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