All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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