I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
