I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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