Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
