im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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