im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We just shotgunned beers for America
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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