Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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