I wish my penis had an off switch
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
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