just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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