i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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