I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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