If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
worst night to have a conscience
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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