Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
why do cheetos always look like penises
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
