I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Randomize
