i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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