Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
