Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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