I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
