If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
