my mouth tastes like poor choices
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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