Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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