Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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