Capitaan dildo arrescate!
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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