thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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