How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
