I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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