I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
