you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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