Old men and throwing up are my life now.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
