He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I wear drunk well.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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