Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
