so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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