i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
