something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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