First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
