i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
