my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
