Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
